Bill Wyman - Monkey Grip (Rolling Stones Records, 1974)

Bill Wyman is the worst Rolling Stone. This is Bill Wyman's first solo album, and the label features a comic representation of a monkey grip, which in the actual world can be a sad display of cognitive limitation--it's when a monkey continues to hold onto an object even though the object is causing some adverse effect. I think a monkey at the Lincoln Park Zoo lost an arm due to some monkey grip-related event, maybe a zoo-goer giving him a burger or something that just wouldn't squeeze through the bars. This is the concept/image Bill Wyman's first solo album boils down to. There may be some mildly clever conclusion to draw here, but it's really just another detail leading to the ultimate incontrovertible conclusion: Bill Wyman is the worst Rolling Stone.

I would also like to mention that sounds on this album are SO MUCH WORSE than you could possibly imagine. I mean, you could look at the song titles: (1) I Wanna Get Me A Gun, (2) Crazy Woman, (3) Pussy, (4) Mighty Fine Time, and (5) Monkey Grip Glue, and say 'Man, those are lousy song titles," then assume the record sounds like a bunch of Stones B-sides. That's not the case. The music is lame, boring, and repetitive, the lyrics are awful, and anytime a melody turns up, it sounds like more like an intro to a goofy sitcom than something you would listen to on purpose. 'Pussy' is a standout on the album, a bluegrass ditty with a bunch of humming and Bill singing something about how you should not put your pussy down. It looks like I paid $2.00 for this record in the first place, but knowing what I know now I would say it's worth at least $2.50 to hear music so uniquely stupid. I chose to feature this label because I doubt many people are aware of Bill Wyman's career as a solo artist. It is now part of your consciousness.